a pep-talk for interupting doom scrolling and panic attacks

i have had a hard week, perhaps you have too. the reality of this new fascist government's "flood the zone" strategy has worked entirely as it was designed to, especially when coupled with the fact that everything in my life is currently on the precipice of change. i have felt, often all at once, bone-deep terror, anxiety, overwhelm, numbness, confusion, hope, doom, panic, sorrow, and heartbreak. i have cried basically every day, and have been finding it hard to focus in my work and classes. 

in a fit of self-care in the car, realizing i couldn't do another 45 minutes of NPR right now, i listened to the newest movement memos episode talking to Margaret Killjoy. it felt like a bit of a divine intervention that, that was the last episode posted - because it was probably the episode i needed the most in that moment. 

when Margaret talked about her newsletter as her pep talks to herself, and that she's glad that others benefited from them right now, i realized two things at the same time. 1) i need to be intentionally and consistently giving myself pep-talks that recenter me in my values and; 2) we need to be listening deeply to each others' pep talks right now. i want to know what is keeping you above water right now, and on the off chance that mine helps you - thank Gd. 

so, with kavod to Margaret, here are my current reminders for myself: 

• we are not built to survive difficult things alone. we must keep each other safe, and we must stay proximate to the people that we love if it is physically possible to do so. when i start to panic about "what if minnesota becomes republican controlled and we lose all our rights and i just moved back and and and and" i lose the most important part of the thread: the communities i love and who love me. when George Floyd z''l was murdered and the national guard tried to lock our neighborhoods down my entire life narrowed down to my relationships, and how we used our resources together in collaboration. when there was an actual military curfew the way we continued to do our work was because of the networks that we leaned into, poured ourselves into, and were held up by. i cannot predict the future, and i should have plan C's, D's, and Z's - but i can try to set myself up to meet the future in the most resourced, community based way, that i can.
• fascists depend on being able to control the frame of reference, and do not want me to have the cultural context of something bigger than them. right now, for me, Gd really fucking matters. whatever you call the arc of larger things - nature, time, connection, Gd, etc - i must not lose touch with them. this regime wants my focus as narrow and frightful as possible, and it is only through regularly opening myself up to the larger truth of being that i can resist the narrative framework they attempt to shove me into. 
• all people have sparks of divine in us. it is possible for people to change, to heal, and to transform. another world is possible, and we - all of us - can build it together. i do not care if this is not true, i must not reject this human project. the actions of a small handful cannot rewrite my entire understanding of what it means to be a person. i must recognize their callousness for what it is, and refuse to accept their framework. i will work, like an immune system, to keep it out of my cells the best i can. 
• hope is a rigorous practice and ritual. i will often not want to feel hope, and must practice it anyways. like lifting weights. like learning a new skill, a new language. when it is difficult, it is a sign that my body is ready to take the next step and get stronger. i want to know the limits of my hope right now, and then slowly work to increase it over time. 
• now is the time to be writing. if i think "hm should i write that down?" the answer is yes. i want the record for myself and others, and i want to track what's happening inside of me as i process, make sense of, and survive this moment. i need to challenge the part of me that is hidden, private, and lonely right now. i need to be orienting around connection, particularly when it is most challenging and uncomfortable for me. speaking, and listening to others, is one important way to do that.
• i must not ignore the care and keeping of my body. i must eat, sleep, and exercise regularly - particularly when the enormity of fascism feels most crushing. when things are most dire, having a body that has been resourced to the best of my ability per the situation is a gift i can give myself and others. i must put my phone down, and notice when i am using it to numb myself out.
  
• finally, art is antithetical to fascism. true creative expression, inquiry and transformation are incompatible with the arc of fear and control that this administration seeks to enforce. in connection with all transformative organizing, continue to ask the question of where is art in this? where is creation? where is humanity? centering humanity by centering art, and centering art by centering humanity needs to not get lost in the tachless work of mutual aid and organizing right now. we need each other, and we need each others weird art, dancing, singing, writing, and so much more. 

will you share your current pep-talks with me? i'd like to read them and add them to the list of things i turn to when i'm stuck an immobilized right now. 

if you read this, thanks friend. i'm thankful to be in this with you.